There's a lot of talk in the media at the moment about sex, gender and gender identity. In lots of ways this is to be welcomed, for our sexuality is an immensely important part of what it means to be human. Sadly, though, in a lot of places there's as much confusion as there is talk.
Take this article that appeared recently in The Atlantic about the gender stereotyping that exists in the world of children's toys. Broadly, the point is fair enough: despite the fact that in many quarters, the equal treatment of sexes is making steady (if slow) progress, the world of children's toys looks like a notable exception. Toys are more directed to gender stereotypes then they've ever been - trucks for boys and dolls for girls. And this is often reflected to quite bewildering levels in toys stores, which are almost entirely segregated by gender according to colour: blue for boys, pink for girls.
This bifurcation certainly does represent an overly simple, and not terribly helpful, view of gender. To that degree, we should welcome the call for change. And yet sometimes, as in the article noted above, the proposed replacement is a view of children (and people more generally) as somehow genderless, gender-neutral. And actually this is just as simplistic and unhelpful as the problem that exists at the moment.
The simple reality of things is that the distinction between sexes is unavoidable. There are boys and there are girls, men and women. More than that, though, to acknowledge this is actually good for us, since it is an essential part of what it means that we are human. To deny it denies something basic to who we are.
Two propositions must be held together here. First, to uphold a binary view of sex does not necessitate us holding on to unhelpfully rigid views of gender stereotypes. Second, to put off unhelpfully rigid views of gender stereotypes does not require us to abandon the observational reality of some gender stereotypes, and it certainly should not lead us to abandoning a binary view of sex.
I see this at work in our family, which is sexually quite imbalanced: we have five males (myself and four sons) and one female (my wife). Two of the boys are in high school; two are still in primary school. No one could really doubt their boy-ness. And yet they fit the gender stereotype of boys as much as most other boys do, which is to say generally. For example, they all show the classic physicality of boys, even though they all have my (fairly underwhelming!) muscular physique. Their rib cages are like the bars on a xylophone, and they can still suck their tummies in to make the massive 'tummy cave'. They think farts are hilarious and burps are something to be proud of. They love to arm-wrestle each other and perform other amazing feats of strength. They'll come up to you and flex their arms saying things like: 'feel how strong I am.' They are naturally competitive; some might even say aggressive. In conflict mode, they are far more likely to hit or kick than to use words. When they do use words, it's more often angry yelling rather than calm assertiveness. They love Nerf guns and love to have 'Nerf-wars'. They are boisterous and fidgety. They do a lot of sport. Two of them have been diagnosed with ADHD.
And yet for each of them, there are instances where they clearly buck the boy stereotype! For example, one of our older boys still likes soft toys, and carries them around with him often. Three of them are great 'snuggle-bugs' - always in for a cuddle in bed or on the couch. One of them is excellent at words and writing. One of them will spend hours by himself drawing. They like playing with little kids, and it always amazes me how gentle they are with them. They're fascinated by babies. When one of them at school got to care for some baby chickens, the teacher reported they'd never seen a student more careful or gentle in handling the chicks. I love the fact that when we're on holidays, one of their favourite activities is to go to a bookstore!
Unsurprisingly (I hope!), the same patterns of general conformity and specific non-conformity to the stereotypes are there for my wife and I. My wife, for example, is unambiguously feminine - in her looks, in the way she dresses, in how she relates to people. She quilts, and loves to do all kinds of crafty stuff. In the past she has enjoyed a season of serious scrapbooking. She loves looking after babies and little children. She still has the soft toys she had as a little girl. She loves having her hair combed. She plays the flute and piccolo. Her favourite colours are pink and purple. She shows a beautiful attention to tiny details when doing things for other people.
And yet there are other ways that she is not classically feminine. I've seen her wear make-up three times ever - on our wedding day, and twice when she's been a bridesmaid. She wears virtually no jewellery. She's never owned a handbag in her life. She would much rather wear pants than a dress - some of her friends remarked on our wedding day that it was the first time they'd seen her in one! She hates shopping for clothes and finds it enormously stressful - one of the four times I've ever seen her cry was when she was shopping for jeans and felt pressured by the sales assistant. Generally, she is far less adept at words and talking about feelings and emotions than I am. When she's been away for weekend women's conferences with our church, when most of the ladies go out for a coffee catch-up during free time, she prefers to go out and run 15kms. She is far more sporty than I am, and is more responsible than me for our boys' love of running.
Stereotypes, you see, are just that: they're stereotypes. Generalisations, not absolutes. Trends. Bulk-of-the-bell-curve kind of things. They can have some use when we're talking in broad brush. They're of very limited use, however we're talking about real individuals, real people.
Our family would be greatly diminished if we let gender stereotypes control and limit the ways that my wife shows her female-ness or that our sons and I display our male-ness. It's not that stereotypes aren't real or that they don't exist. But they describe only some things, not everything.
Equally, our family life would be greatly damaged if we tried to obliterate the fact of my wife's female-ness or the fact of our sons and my male-ness. She is different to us. We are different to her. That is to be understood, celebrated, cultivated and enjoyed.
In other words, sex is binary. But stereotypes are just stereotypes and individuals remain always individuals.
No comments:
Post a Comment